“John stared at Elisha all during the lesson, admiring the timbre of Elisha’s voice, much deeper and manlier than his own, admiring the leanness, and grace, and strength, and darkness of Elisha in his Sunday suit, wondering if he would ever be holy as Elisha was holy.”

John is confused about his attraction to Elisha, so he subconsciously projects a religious quality onto his admiration for the older boy. Rather than simply being attracted to a kind and gentle man, John wants to believe that he is attracted to Elisha because Elisha is holy. He fears that he is a sinner, so being attracted to Elisha for religious reasons is preferable to the truth. John frames his anxious thoughts in religious terms so that he can cast doubt on the reality of his emerging sexuality.

“There had never been a time when John had not sat watching the saints rejoice with terror in his heart, and wonder.”

For John, terror and wonder are never far apart. His fierce belief in the truth of Christianity fills him with wonder but also terrifies him, due to his fear that he is a sinner. John has been raised in a religious family and in a religious community so he cannot envisage a world in which God is not real. At the same time, his sexual thoughts about men make him worry that he will be considered a sinner by his friends, his family, and by God. Terror and wonder are common themes in John’s life for the same reason, leaving him in awe of the pain and suffering he may be forced to endure through God.