“I realize thirty is just a number, that you’re only as old as you feel and all of that. I also realize that in the grand scheme of things, thirty is still young. But it’s not that young.”

Rachel wants to see turning 30 in a positive light but finds it difficult. Rachel’s reflection reveals her inherent struggle to find a sense of self-worth and sets up the impending tumult she will face as she enters a relationship with Dex.

“It only mattered that Darcy stole Ethan from me. Perhaps she did it because she really did change her mind about him; that’s what I told myself so I would stop hating her. But more likely Darcy took Ethan just to show me that she could.”

Rachel thinks back to an earlier crush she had in fifth grade named Ethan, whom Darcy started to date soon after Rachel revealed her feelings. Rachel’s anecdote about Ethan shows that her relationship with Darcy has always been complicated—fraught with jealousy and competition. In trying to convince herself that sleeping with Dex may have been karma for Darcy stealing Ethan decades ago, she hides from her true feelings and the consequences of her actions.

“The call that was supposed to bring closure only ushered in more uneasiness. And a tiny little stirring inside me, a stirring that I resolve to squelch.”

Dex’s professed lack of guilt makes Rachel feel more anxiety than before they talked. She senses feelings emerging for Dex and realizes that her ability to control her emotions and actions is slipping away from her. As a person obsessed with being in control, her situation with Dex has brought genuine feelings to the surface that she is hesitant to face.