Florence, the narrator, explains that beneath a floorboard in the parlor of the Days Gone Funeral Home are journals full of fan fiction featuring vampires and characters from The X-Files that Florence wrote when she was a teenager. The stories were good, but she wanted to bury that “dark, weird Addams Family side” (1) of herself when she left for college. She almost succeeded.

Florence arrives at the office of her publisher, Falcon House, for whom she has ghostwritten three books for successful, mega-bestselling romance author Ann Nichols. She holds a cactus to give to her new editor, a man she’s seen at publishing parties she attended with her ex. Her new editor’s name is Benji Andor, and Florence is flustered by the instant attraction. She doesn’t know if he’s aware she is Ann’s ghostwriter; she pretends she is Ann’s assistant and that Ann is reclusive and living in Maine. Florence asks for an extension on the fourth book, declaring that romance is dead and happy-ever-after is a con. Ben insists that she stick to the deadline. Feeling like a failure, Florence gives him the cactus and leaves.