“So with my parents, I decided not to play—or at least not in the way they wanted. As they fought through me, I fought to hold on to both of them. Rather than picking a side, I tried to understand these two good people, who were trying to do right by me, despite the pain they were in. While at my mom’s house, I picked up the rules that governed her heart and mind, and made them true for myself. When I visited my dad, I adapted to his world. It was hard work. Like so many children of divorce, I was pulled in different directions by a centrifugal force. But I learned to tune myself to each of my parents’ frequencies, and managed to stay connected to both of them, even as their ties to each other disintegrated.”

In this quote, Jamil Zaki describes the impact his parents’ divorce had on his empathy. Like other children in his situation, Zaki needed to balance his relationships with his parents. While both wanted Zaki to take their side, he understood that choosing one parent over the other would negatively impact his relationship with the other. He worked to connect with both parents. In doing so, he chose empathy. Throughout The War for Kindness, Zaki demonstrates how empathy is a choice with research. He firmly believes that if more people picked empathy, the world would be kinder.

“The modern world has made kindness harder.”

Zaki introduces the idea that there is a mismatch between humans’ evolutionary context and the modern world, which is negatively impacting empathy. Humans’ earliest ancestors lived in small communities where everyone knew each other. Connection, collaboration, and kindness came easily in this environment. The modern world is substantially different. More people are living alone in urban areas, and in-person interactions are becoming less frequent. While an individual comes across hundreds of people in their lifetime, they only know a few of them. All of these changes make it harder for people to exhibit empathy—a reality supported by research.